Month: January 2016

newborn days

First weeks with a newborn

I had never been afraid of newborns*. Until, I had one of my own. I’m sitting in an armchair, the Christmas tree is twinkling in the middle of our living room. She breaths irregularly, faster quick breaths, two squeaky baby dinosaur grunts followed by a deep sigh. Her legs are drawn up to her tummy, head tucked in between my breasts. Bottom sticking out in a little frog position, her whole tiny body rising on my chest every time I take a breath. But I can hardly breath. I’m so anxious and happy and sore. We just brought her from hospital and this is her second day of life. I’m exhausted but I can’t summon the energy to get up and go to bed. It’s her second day of life. She’ll never be two days old again. Sleep seems like a waste of time. Time I’d rather spend looking at her in awe, wondering why I’ve ever worried whether I would feel that she was mine from the minute she was born. I stroke her …

motherhood blog edinburgh

I’m no fool, mother nature

I was chatting to my sister the other day about my thoughts about birth. It turns out that I already started erasing bad memories to replace them with good, positive ones. Nice little trick mother nature. Together with the fact that a woman is very fertile after giving birth, the baby is becoming cuter with every day, it could well end up being a reason to add another worm to this family. Very nicely played, really. But I am no fool! That’s why I want to write about my experiences as frequently as time and life allow. It will be a big change for the direction of this blog, but it’s my space in the end and I want to share my experience with you and other mothers. It kind of feels awesome to suddenly belong to a completely new group of people. A new tribe. There is definitely something in becoming a mother that makes me feel both very isolated (read: lives of other people seem very remote and totally different to my current …

Hello, it’s me

It’s been three weeks since Marysia was born. Her name is Maria but we call her Marysia, Maryś, Marynia and sometimes Mania. Also : “Robak” (Polish for worm) and a thousand other affectionate nicknames which come to mind in the wee hours of the morning and stick regardless of whether they seem fitting later on in the day. I thought I won’t have time to blog at all and then I wrote the previous post while half asleep in my bed at night. I needed to do something for myself and writing was it. Strangely. I shared snippets of our lives on Instagram but writing a longer form perhaps will be more therapeutic and will help me to collect my thoughts for the future. Will she ever read them? Since there is this option I better make sure I write with her in mind. Just like everything else I do now and probably I will the foreseeable future, her at the centre of everything. One of the other nicknames I call her is “my Sun” …

Oczekiwanie : zapiski nowej matki #1

Złote szydełko poruszało się między nitkami włoczki w moich dłoniach, jednym okiem oglądałam krainę lodu, a choinka błyszczała w półmroku pokoju. Kiedy Elsa śpiewała “Mam tę moc” poczułam pierwsza fale w podbrzuszu. Jakby klamerka zacisnęła się wokół dolnej części mojego brzucha. Delikatnie, ale na tyle mocno żeby zatrzymać mój oddech na jedną sekundę i zacisnąć powieki. Elsa dalej śpiewała falując wąską talią na lodowym tarasie. Zatrzymałam pierwszy skurcz dla siebie. Kolejny pojawił się jeszcze zanim lodowa księżniczka wyśpiewała, że zimno wcale jej nie przeszkadza w życiu. Pojawił się kolejny skurcz i jeszcze jeden, a ja każdy witałam z narastająca radością. Falę jedną za drugą, która przybliżała mnie do brzegu, do końca tej wyprawy i wejścia na nowy ląd – macierzyństwo. Na mojej twarzy musiał pojawić się mały grymas, bo J zauważył ze coś się dzieje. Zaczęliśmy mierzyć częstotliwość skurczy i okazało się ze przychodzą co 2-3 minuty. Byłam spokojna, bo wiedziałam, że do porodu może być jeszcze daleko. Wstałam i moje ciało zaczęło kołysać się w rytm skurczu na boki, w nowym tańcu który będę …